By Steps to Recovery on November 25, 2012
It happens to me sometimes, even though I love recovery. I’ll be doing my thing throughout the day and thoughts of getting high will enter my mind. Running after a very active toddler all day, finding time to get my work done, caring for a home and property with 2 large dogs, 2 cats, 8 chickens and several garden beds that need tended to, there are a lot of times that I wish I had more time in the day and a lot more energy to accomplish all the things I need to get done. If only I could use, just a little….
Thankfully it’s easy for me to remember, with a little effort, how it really was before I got clean. I was incapable of completing projects for the most part, stuff never actually got done because I was easily distracted. My house was rarely clean for the same reason. And I was incapable of connecting with people authentically. If I weren’t clean, I wouldn’t have the relationships I treasure so much with other people, or with myself. I wouldn’t be the mother I am.
Then there are the times when I think about how I use to look before I got pregnant. How thin I was. I haven’t lost all of my baby weight yet. I have around 25 pounds to go. How much easier it would be to fall back on my old ways of getting high and not eating instead of working hard to maintain a very health diet and exercise routine? The exercise is the big problem for me. I just don’t do it like I should.
Then I remind myself that I was so unhealthy back then. Now, I am strong, with a great immune system and I feel good. Before I got into recovery, I was incapable of making good decisions about my health when I was using, because I just didn’t care about it at all. Everything took a back seat to my addiction, even my future as a healthy human being. I enjoy feeling good, in a way that I have only achieved through staying off drugs.
There are so many excuses my addict comes up with to trick me back into using. I felt more creative, I didn’t notice my back pain nearly as much, it was easier to write, the list could go on forever. Thankfully I have a very strong foundation in my recovery and an incredible support system. I have people I can turn to when I need help, who will listen when I need someone to hear me, people who will remind me not to be so hard on myself. What I am experiencing is normal, and I am strong enough to handle it, and I am capable of making the right decisions. Without my support system though, this journey would be very difficult. I have so much gratitude for the amazing people in my life.
What are you grateful for in this time of giving thanks?