Posted by Steps to Recovery on December 29, 2012
After spending the past week and a half here with my family and well over a thousand miles away from the safety and comfort of my own home, so many things are coming up for me. I find myself uncomfortable and angry with myself for committing to such a long visit and having to stay in a place where I feel like I can’t be myself. I feel obligated to caretake my mother’s feelings because if I do not, she will make things intentionally quite uncomfortable for me and my young daughter, unfortunately that has been made very clear. I made the mistake of standing up for myself once and have a deep awareness that doing that is completely unacceptable. She is a tyrant, I see it in the way she talks to my stepdad and disabled grandmother. Unfortunately if I were to stay elsewhere it would only get worse. I feel very trapped. I definitely won’t make this mistake again.
Yes I have chosen to stay here before and yes there was a similar situation, and although it was not so intense the underlying theme was the same. And I refuse to compromise my personal integrity to make her happy. A huge part of my recovery has been learning how to take care of myself, stand up for myself and just BE myself. But there is still this big piece of me that wants my mommy. That hurt little girl inside me that just wants to be loved and accepted and cared for. So what happens is when my mom and I are apart, I forget the crappy stuff that happens and since we are so far away physically our relationship over the phone is great. She is totally capable of offering me the support I need. But in person it is the exact opposite. It is all about her. I am not allowed to talk about how I am feeling because since she is present and demands to be in control here, when I talk about what is coming up for me, it becomes all about her. For example…If I am tired, it’s because she isn’t doing enough, and she says that hurts her feelings. I don’t feel like I am allowed to talk about what is going on for me no matter how I approach it.
Last night, on my birthday, I dreamed that I went out with friends and I used meth. I have had this dream before. I dreamed about using and continued to use, and at one point I remembered that I have to go home to take care of my baby, I have to nurse her, how will I do this? I can’t do that with drugs in my system and I start to feel intensely guilty and like I don’t have control over myself or what happens to me or my child. I know this dream is about not feeling safe in my environment or like I am in control of my life right now. I know it’s not a premonition of what is to come, it’s a reminder of where I am at right now, manifesting even in my rest time.
I can’t wait to go home.
In the meantime I am reaching out frequently for support from people I can count on to be real with me. To help hold me up when I’m feeling somewhat helpless. Thank goodness I have such a solid group of people in my life who will also be sure to remind me of this the next time I want to make travel plans. It is so easy for me to forget these things because I really only want to see the best in my mom and I want to believe she is capable of giving me what I want, but right now she is not.
How do you deal with family triggers?